ZEEGRADE REVIEWS
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COMMENTARIES ON MY SEARCH FOR THE TRULY AWFUL FILMS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN
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I WAS JUST THINKING...
Allow me to pontificate on some things. Why? Because it's my goddamn site that's why!
Allow me to pontificate on some things. Why? Because it's my goddamn site that's why!
For now on all articles will be posted on my blog HERE.
ARCHIVES:
NOV/DEC
2010
JANUARY 2011
"Where do you insert the floppy disk?"
OCTOBER 9, 2011
APRIL 17, 2011
It's free preview time again! This time instead of Shittime's selection of, well, shit, it's HBO and Cinemax's turn to show all of us heathens what we're missing by not forking over fifteen bucks a month to watch constant repeats of Real Time withMale Medusa Bill Maher. I'm not going to go into depth on the paltry offerings that were abysmal failures at the box office like Repo Men, Green Zone, Whiteout and Just Wright. Instead I want to focus on the incredibly sexy yet immensely overrated (at least by herself) actress Megan Fox.
Now I remember why I bought a ticket to this horseshit movie!
First came the UPS "whiteboard" guy with his goofy hair helmet and stupid drawings concerning the intricacies involved in putting a fucking package on a goddamn plane and arriving at it's destination in one piece before one of the many convicts that work in their shipping department steal it. Now comes the "logistics" campaign that incorporates a word only business insiders (i.e. jackoffs) would care about combined with the most annoying bastardization of That's Amore ever. First things first. The person responsible for this ear-raping rendition is Nadia Ackerman who was sent by the devil to punish us with her cutesy-wutesy, I'm so adorable with a big red fucking bow in my hair impersonation of a prepubescent girl. I literally get to the first syllable in the song before I turn the channel in utter disgust. It's uncanny how it seems this commercial is programmed to bring out the most intense hatred I can fathom whenever I see it. I know I'm already going to hell so I can with ever fiber of my being wish throat cancer on this harpy.
Unbelievably Perturbing Singer
2010
JANUARY 2011
DECEMBER 29, 2011
2011 MOVIE YEAR IN REVIEW
What a shitty year for movies! Sequels, remakes and more goddamn superheroes. For a guy that runs a website about movies, I didn't go to the theater that much this year. If it wasn't for the Cinemark near me that shows current films a few months after their release for only $2.00, I would have saw nothing. The negative word-of-mouth kept me from seeing Hangover 2 as well as the penis-free version called Bridesmaids. Lemme guess, was there jokes about their periods in it? That was the only sequel I had a modicum of interest in. Now that it's out on DVD, I've still yet to watch it. No surprise, their are talks about a possible third film as well. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
Let me set these assholes straight as far as remakes are concerned. If I was alive and can actually remember going to see the original, why the fuck would I pay to see it again? It was bad enough that that hack Robert Rodriguez replaced Ah-nold with the fucking Pianist for his remake of Predator. What makes you think that I want to watch some no-name yahoo as Conan the Barbarian? Do they understand the sacrilege that is inferred by remaking one of the greatest horror/sci-fi films of all time The Thing? What sort of twist can they add to the story to enhance it? Are the Swedes now black and the thing a homosexual trans-gender? Fuck you! This rant will fall on deaf ears as remakes of Robocop, The Crow, Red Dawn and unbelievably, Short Circuit have been greenlighted. Johnny number five is, in fact, alive.
I'm the rare comic book fan that didn't care one bit for superheroes. The Dark Knight movies are good and I liked some of the Sam Raimi Spider-Man flicks as well despite the boring zombie Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane. These two characters are at the top of their respective comic book universes so it's little wonder why the appeal is so broad. That doesn't mean I want to see EVERY goddamn superhero ever printed in ink! Yes, Thor, Captain America and The Green Lantern all made well over $100 million domestically but that matters little when you consider how badly Hollywood butchers franchises until they're no longer recognizable. Look at Spider-Man. Raimi and Tobey Maguire are no longer interested in continuing the storyline, effectively ending it. That won't stop these clueless dopes because coming in 2012 is...The Amazing Spider-Man! Yes, a fucking remake of a movie that came out only ten years ago! Fuck. You.
I'm waiting for the remake...in 3D.
As far as movies I actually saw my favorite was probably Insidious, which I watched on DVD. I thought it was a unique take on the haunting genre that's gotten staler than Larry Flynt's legs. Again, my theater appearances were limited so I would probably say Immortals wins as far as that venue is concerned. I'll take gods fighting titans any day over a stuttering redcoat. I enjoyed Rango, a rarity as far as kids-themed films go, and I thought Real Steel and Sucker Punch was brainless fun even though the latter of the two is appearing on every "worst of" list for 2011. Vanessa Hudgens? Yes please! The rest were mainly average movies that had no impact on me save for the fact that I only spent a couple of bucks to see them. Cowboys vs Aliens and Battle Los Angeles fall into that category. By the way, I've absolutely had it with Michelle Rodriguez playing the same goddamn lumberjack lesbian in every fucking movie she's in! I'd never met a sole person who has anything positive to say about her, yet she appears in just about everything. Well, that's not true. One man has taken the mantle of "most over-used actor" to obscene levels of exposure. Neil Patrick Harris.
I was in high school while Doogie Howser, M.D. had it's television run. Suffice to say, it was a stupid show. It was a punchline for a quite a few jokes back then. When it was cancelled after the 1993 season Neil Patrick Harris promptly disappeared from the pop culture scene until he reappeared as a cocaine addicted, sex fiend version of himself in the 2004 film Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle. I got a kick out of his self deprecating portrayal of someone who you would never associate with that kind of lifestyle and it gained cult notoriety. That however would not be the reason for his renaissance as an ack-tor! Nope. In November of 2006 he did the all-too-Hollywood-trendy thing and announced he was gay. Ho-lee fuck. Now, as well as his cartoon character portrayal of Barney, a "straight" ladies man on the laugh track heavy sitcom How I Met Your Mother, he has become the standard go to guy for various television shows and movies to prove how progressive they are and you're such a piece of shit. Just this year alone he's appeared in the films Beastly, The Smurfs, and The Muppets, done voice work for Adventure Time, Phineas and Ferb and The Penguins of Madagascar, co-hosted Live! with Kelly as soon as Regis Philbin retired, hosted the Tony awards while appearing on every major late night talk show at least once. Who exactly is demanding this? Someone needs to talk to Alex Jones and get to the bottom of this conspiracy.
I'm ready for this shit year to end so let me get to my worst film that I saw in 2011. Last year it was the godawful Diary of a Wimpy Kid so naturally I avoided the sequel like a Katy Perry concert. My worst-of-the-worst for 2011 was, once again, a movie I only saw because my children wanted to see it. That would be Transformers: Dark of the Moon.
I had my wisdom tooth pulled by an asian woman that weighed about eighty pounds. It hurt like hell. I would rather sit through that again than watch this loud piece of shit a second time. Thanks for taking on of the coolest Decepticons ever, Shockwave, and give him one line of dialogue. And what the fuck did he transform into anyway? I had no clue what was going on and I could care less. The new piece of ass that replaced Ms. Supertits was nice to look at but then again that's what internet porn is for. It's got nothing to do with Shia Labeouf, who I think is a good actor mind you, and more with raping a sacred memory that those of us who grew up playing with the toys in the eighties held dear. Sentinel Prime? I thought all the Primes came to Earth in the last film? Can't you get your fucking facts straight? At least the Ghettobots were gone this time. Maybe in the next one Michael Bay can have a Homobot transform into a giant metallic dildo and shove it up Neil Patrick Harris' ass. Fuck movies and fuck 2011!
NOVEMBER 21, 2011
What a shitty year for movies! Sequels, remakes and more goddamn superheroes. For a guy that runs a website about movies, I didn't go to the theater that much this year. If it wasn't for the Cinemark near me that shows current films a few months after their release for only $2.00, I would have saw nothing. The negative word-of-mouth kept me from seeing Hangover 2 as well as the penis-free version called Bridesmaids. Lemme guess, was there jokes about their periods in it? That was the only sequel I had a modicum of interest in. Now that it's out on DVD, I've still yet to watch it. No surprise, their are talks about a possible third film as well. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
Let me set these assholes straight as far as remakes are concerned. If I was alive and can actually remember going to see the original, why the fuck would I pay to see it again? It was bad enough that that hack Robert Rodriguez replaced Ah-nold with the fucking Pianist for his remake of Predator. What makes you think that I want to watch some no-name yahoo as Conan the Barbarian? Do they understand the sacrilege that is inferred by remaking one of the greatest horror/sci-fi films of all time The Thing? What sort of twist can they add to the story to enhance it? Are the Swedes now black and the thing a homosexual trans-gender? Fuck you! This rant will fall on deaf ears as remakes of Robocop, The Crow, Red Dawn and unbelievably, Short Circuit have been greenlighted. Johnny number five is, in fact, alive.
I'm the rare comic book fan that didn't care one bit for superheroes. The Dark Knight movies are good and I liked some of the Sam Raimi Spider-Man flicks as well despite the boring zombie Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane. These two characters are at the top of their respective comic book universes so it's little wonder why the appeal is so broad. That doesn't mean I want to see EVERY goddamn superhero ever printed in ink! Yes, Thor, Captain America and The Green Lantern all made well over $100 million domestically but that matters little when you consider how badly Hollywood butchers franchises until they're no longer recognizable. Look at Spider-Man. Raimi and Tobey Maguire are no longer interested in continuing the storyline, effectively ending it. That won't stop these clueless dopes because coming in 2012 is...The Amazing Spider-Man! Yes, a fucking remake of a movie that came out only ten years ago! Fuck. You.
I'm waiting for the remake...in 3D.
As far as movies I actually saw my favorite was probably Insidious, which I watched on DVD. I thought it was a unique take on the haunting genre that's gotten staler than Larry Flynt's legs. Again, my theater appearances were limited so I would probably say Immortals wins as far as that venue is concerned. I'll take gods fighting titans any day over a stuttering redcoat. I enjoyed Rango, a rarity as far as kids-themed films go, and I thought Real Steel and Sucker Punch was brainless fun even though the latter of the two is appearing on every "worst of" list for 2011. Vanessa Hudgens? Yes please! The rest were mainly average movies that had no impact on me save for the fact that I only spent a couple of bucks to see them. Cowboys vs Aliens and Battle Los Angeles fall into that category. By the way, I've absolutely had it with Michelle Rodriguez playing the same goddamn lumberjack lesbian in every fucking movie she's in! I'd never met a sole person who has anything positive to say about her, yet she appears in just about everything. Well, that's not true. One man has taken the mantle of "most over-used actor" to obscene levels of exposure. Neil Patrick Harris.
I was in high school while Doogie Howser, M.D. had it's television run. Suffice to say, it was a stupid show. It was a punchline for a quite a few jokes back then. When it was cancelled after the 1993 season Neil Patrick Harris promptly disappeared from the pop culture scene until he reappeared as a cocaine addicted, sex fiend version of himself in the 2004 film Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle. I got a kick out of his self deprecating portrayal of someone who you would never associate with that kind of lifestyle and it gained cult notoriety. That however would not be the reason for his renaissance as an ack-tor! Nope. In November of 2006 he did the all-too-Hollywood-trendy thing and announced he was gay. Ho-lee fuck. Now, as well as his cartoon character portrayal of Barney, a "straight" ladies man on the laugh track heavy sitcom How I Met Your Mother, he has become the standard go to guy for various television shows and movies to prove how progressive they are and you're such a piece of shit. Just this year alone he's appeared in the films Beastly, The Smurfs, and The Muppets, done voice work for Adventure Time, Phineas and Ferb and The Penguins of Madagascar, co-hosted Live! with Kelly as soon as Regis Philbin retired, hosted the Tony awards while appearing on every major late night talk show at least once. Who exactly is demanding this? Someone needs to talk to Alex Jones and get to the bottom of this conspiracy.
I'm ready for this shit year to end so let me get to my worst film that I saw in 2011. Last year it was the godawful Diary of a Wimpy Kid so naturally I avoided the sequel like a Katy Perry concert. My worst-of-the-worst for 2011 was, once again, a movie I only saw because my children wanted to see it. That would be Transformers: Dark of the Moon.
I had my wisdom tooth pulled by an asian woman that weighed about eighty pounds. It hurt like hell. I would rather sit through that again than watch this loud piece of shit a second time. Thanks for taking on of the coolest Decepticons ever, Shockwave, and give him one line of dialogue. And what the fuck did he transform into anyway? I had no clue what was going on and I could care less. The new piece of ass that replaced Ms. Supertits was nice to look at but then again that's what internet porn is for. It's got nothing to do with Shia Labeouf, who I think is a good actor mind you, and more with raping a sacred memory that those of us who grew up playing with the toys in the eighties held dear. Sentinel Prime? I thought all the Primes came to Earth in the last film? Can't you get your fucking facts straight? At least the Ghettobots were gone this time. Maybe in the next one Michael Bay can have a Homobot transform into a giant metallic dildo and shove it up Neil Patrick Harris' ass. Fuck movies and fuck 2011!
NOVEMBER 21, 2011
wHEN COPYRIGHTS TURN INTO COPYWRONGS
I'm not going to pretend that I know all the facts about the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and what it means exactly for the future of the internet. I do know that what I've heard, whether correct or incorrect, I certainly don't like. Any time more power is given to the government, left or right-wing, it's a bad idea. Just look at what the Bush administration did to the airline industry. How treating all Americans like potential terrorists protects us is mind boggling to me. Hear we have another "limited government" Republican, congressman Lamar Smith of Texas (I thought you guys knew better!) who has gotten together with two powerful lobbies, Hollywood and various pharmaceutical makers, and proposed legislation that will "protect" (I hate it when the government uses that word - fucking liars!) intellectually copyrighted property as well as trafficking of counterfeit goods. "Where do you insert the floppy disk?"
Smith - who claimed not to understand the "technical" aspects of the bill - is hiding behind protecting (there's that fucking word again!) American jobs. The problem is that the rules are so vague that all the copyright holder has to do is allege that a website is participating in "infringing activity". Unfortunately, I've had plenty of experience dealing with false copyright claims. I had to spend over a year fighting back with some delusional English twat named Sam Kleinman who claims to be the CEO of Craze Productions, a company that was wrongly placing copyright claims on movies he did not own. When I fought back, all hell broke lose and he began harassing me with fake lawsuits and frivolous claims of antisemitism. You can look at my comments section and see two of his bullshit statements under beepee39. It was only a few months ago that YouTube finally stripped him of most of his "copyrighted" videos. This was just some goofy jackoff doing this! Wait until Warner Bros. or Fox or Sony see something they don't like (like perhaps a scathing movie review that mocks their product) and officially have the power to give your website the death penalty. It would look something like this:
It's for your own protection young man!
It's for your own protection young man!
Any website using clips or footage from the copyrighted owner is immediately in danger. I don't know about you but the reason why I wanted to start my own website about bad movie reviews was because various reviewers never offered anything to look at. It's like a court case and you're the prosecutor. Show me the evidence! If this bill passes kiss those things goodbye. I don't have a stake in selling counterfeit drugs, though I believe that's illegal to begin with, right? The same goes for streaming any film that is currently playing in theaters. Enforce the laws on the books before you give the government any more power! It's that fucking simple. Instead this bill protects the interests of powerful and rich lobbyist that scream for regulation that favors themselves and their cronies. That's the problem with America today. There isn't a damn bit of difference between Republicans and Democrats! They're both the fucking problem! Forget Wall Street, occupy Washington D.C.!!!!!
STYROFOAM PUSSY
JULY 13, 2011 There are certain things that shouldn't be allowed. One of those should be "remaking" anything that Sam Peckinpah directed, especially in context with the continuing pussification of the American male. What if one of these emasculated metrosexual jackoffs turned Peckinpah's 1971 film Straw Dogs into the very antithesis of the original's message? Well wait no more fellow knee-jerk progressives because Rod Lurie has answered that very question!
Seriously man, I need more crying and begging for mercy.
From Lurie's IMDb bio page:
"My films are political, so when they get rated on anything you have to take into that a lot of my attackers are hard-line Republicans."
Seriously man, I need more crying and begging for mercy.
From Lurie's IMDb bio page:
"My films are political, so when they get rated on anything you have to take into that a lot of my attackers are hard-line Republicans."
So it's no surprise that he seems complacent to make movies that resonate with the foaming-at-the-mouth, left-wing audience that constantly need justification of their politics in every movie they go and see. That's his God-given right as well as being pretty sad. At least he knows that he'll always get glowing reviews from that uber-partisan hack reviewer himself, Roger Ebert. Sure enough Roger had various misgivings about the original but he shot his wad all over his butter-stained shirt as far as the remake was concerned. My main problem is that the original message of Straw Dogs has no business being reinterpreted to conform to Lurie's typical snobby worldview of "intellectuals", i.e. college professors, thespians, New Yorkers, Los Angelenos and the uncouth savages that pollute, over-populate and burn crosses at Klan rallies. Namely, everybody else.
Dustin Hoffman's character David Sumner, is a meek American mathematician that moves to the English countryside to escape the turmoil that was so prevalent in America during that time. His is berated, harassed, taken advantage of by the locals as well as his wife who thinks he's a coward. When Susan George is raped the real shocker is the insinuation that this is exactly what she was craving from her male counterpart. When he finally melts down and reverts to the violent barbarian that was locked away in his (and every male for that matter) psyche the viewer is confronted with Peckinpah's message that you can try your hardest to feminize the male ego, but in the end it's folly. Compare that to today's "ideal man" that wears more eyeliner than Boy George.
Lurie takes that idea and completely reverses it. Instead of mathematics, David Sumner, now played by James Marsden, is an L.A. screenwriter along with his wife who was an actress. Lurie can't defame his fellow socialist Europeans so he moves it to the fictional Blackwater (backwater) Mississippi. Yeah, the tired "all southerners are racists" schtick. Growing up on in the Auburn-Gresham neighborhood of Chicago (I didn't surf in on a Hawaiian wave like some pretenders) I would love to show him the examples of Northern racism like Louis Farrakhan, Jesse Jackson, The Trinity United Church of Christ (nobody but blacks allowed) as well as the ethnic based gangs who very much don't like white people but why let that get in the way of a good narrative. At what point do you question the purpose of directors like Lurie and categorize them for what they really are. Propagandists.
Going to the movies should be an escape from the soulless beatdown of everyday life. Instead we get shit like this from some clown that's never struggled and day in his life (he grew up in upper class towns in Connecticut and Hawaii) just so he can convince half of the audience to hate the other half. The good news is as of October 9th it's made a paltry $10.3 million (half of it coming from it's opening weekend) from a $25 million budget. This will be his fourth consecutive box office failure which would be the death of most directors, however, Lurie gives those intellectuals the "red meat" that sustains their existence. Do us a favor Rod, stop directing and apply for a hosting gig on MSNBC. You would fit in better.
Dustin Hoffman's character David Sumner, is a meek American mathematician that moves to the English countryside to escape the turmoil that was so prevalent in America during that time. His is berated, harassed, taken advantage of by the locals as well as his wife who thinks he's a coward. When Susan George is raped the real shocker is the insinuation that this is exactly what she was craving from her male counterpart. When he finally melts down and reverts to the violent barbarian that was locked away in his (and every male for that matter) psyche the viewer is confronted with Peckinpah's message that you can try your hardest to feminize the male ego, but in the end it's folly. Compare that to today's "ideal man" that wears more eyeliner than Boy George.
Lurie takes that idea and completely reverses it. Instead of mathematics, David Sumner, now played by James Marsden, is an L.A. screenwriter along with his wife who was an actress. Lurie can't defame his fellow socialist Europeans so he moves it to the fictional Blackwater (backwater) Mississippi. Yeah, the tired "all southerners are racists" schtick. Growing up on in the Auburn-Gresham neighborhood of Chicago (I didn't surf in on a Hawaiian wave like some pretenders) I would love to show him the examples of Northern racism like Louis Farrakhan, Jesse Jackson, The Trinity United Church of Christ (nobody but blacks allowed) as well as the ethnic based gangs who very much don't like white people but why let that get in the way of a good narrative. At what point do you question the purpose of directors like Lurie and categorize them for what they really are. Propagandists.
Going to the movies should be an escape from the soulless beatdown of everyday life. Instead we get shit like this from some clown that's never struggled and day in his life (he grew up in upper class towns in Connecticut and Hawaii) just so he can convince half of the audience to hate the other half. The good news is as of October 9th it's made a paltry $10.3 million (half of it coming from it's opening weekend) from a $25 million budget. This will be his fourth consecutive box office failure which would be the death of most directors, however, Lurie gives those intellectuals the "red meat" that sustains their existence. Do us a favor Rod, stop directing and apply for a hosting gig on MSNBC. You would fit in better.
BOTTOM FEEDERS
APRIL 26, 2011 Long before I decided to start a website for my movie reviews I, like many others, contributed to the Internet Movie Database. I still use the movie ratings as a pretty accurate barometer for a film that I've watched or I'm thinking of watching. Usually the lower the rating the more interested I become. With that in mind you would think that the Bottom 100, which is a listing of the 100 worst rated films with at least 1500 votes (jeez, it used to be 750 votes!) would be the ultimate arbiter of what is truly awful cinema. Instead it's devolved into basically two categories: movies that were episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and films within the last ten years that either went straight to DVD or had very poor theatrical success.
I know what you're going to say, "That sounds like what should be part of the bottom 100". You'd be wrong fucktard. This is supposed to be a list of the 100 worst movies ever. As I write this a Hungarian film released in 2009 called Dream Well is currently the worst rated film with a 1.4 rating. You can watch the trailer here. This appears to be a foreign version of Bring It On. Already I can tell you that the production value is leagues above anything I would consider "the worst". Obviously none of the voters have seen any of the various shot-on-video movies that went straight to VHS in the 80's. What about Cathy's Curse? You can't even see what's happening in that sonovabitch! As far as acting goes, granted I can't gauge Hungarians, however it doesn't appear that bad to me. Bad acting? Try Riot on 42nd Street, Samurai Cop or any Godfrey Ho ninja flick. Which brings me to said actors:
Looks good to me!!!
I know what you're going to say, "That sounds like what should be part of the bottom 100". You'd be wrong fucktard. This is supposed to be a list of the 100 worst movies ever. As I write this a Hungarian film released in 2009 called Dream Well is currently the worst rated film with a 1.4 rating. You can watch the trailer here. This appears to be a foreign version of Bring It On. Already I can tell you that the production value is leagues above anything I would consider "the worst". Obviously none of the voters have seen any of the various shot-on-video movies that went straight to VHS in the 80's. What about Cathy's Curse? You can't even see what's happening in that sonovabitch! As far as acting goes, granted I can't gauge Hungarians, however it doesn't appear that bad to me. Bad acting? Try Riot on 42nd Street, Samurai Cop or any Godfrey Ho ninja flick. Which brings me to said actors:
Looks good to me!!!
Seriously. A bunch of hot foreign broads bouncing around in skimpy outfits ranks as the worst cinematic disaster ever? How man Dan Savage fans voted for this? That is part of the criteria for a bad movie, namely ugly actors. Case in point: Maniac and my recent review of Don't Mess With my Sister!. Who wants to watch ugly people on screen besides the five people who watch The Joy Behar show? Do you see what I'm getting at?
Production values alone should come into account for the second place movie, Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2. Don't get me wrong, it is a bad movie, but it was produced by Sony for chrissakes! Also it stared Jon Voight and Vanessa Angel who was at her hottest at the time. Her pert breasts alone are worth two votes apiece.
Rounding out the top 10 are five movies featured on MST3K with Manos: The Hands of Fate in the fourth spot. I loved watching Mystery Science Theater as much as anyone but I don't think that should be the only requirement to be included on the Bottom 100. Especially since about 99% of the people that voted for these movies never really seen them anyway. Joel or Mike and the 'bots try there damnedest to make each episode more entertaining by inserting humorous quips along with similar-themed sketches skewering the film. Do you think this is the same experience as watching the unedited film? It's not even close. Monster a-Go-Go is a prime example of this. It deserves to be number one on this list instead of fifth simply based on the film not the MST3K episode. It combines everything bad into one film. Unbelievably boring, incoherent plot, zero production (especially the "monster"), bad acting and probably the worst "ending" ever. It is the most difficult movie to try to sit through on it's own. Again, Manos, Night Train to Mundo Fine, The Skydivers and The Starfighters are all very bad movies. But how many people actually watch these movies on their own? Out of the bottom 100, 29 of these movies were previous episodes. The association with Mystery Science Theater taints each one of these films for viewers who are predisposed to vote it "the worst" simply because it was a featured episode. This is never more evident than the 28th lowest rated film: Track of the Moon Beast.
I actually enjoyed this movie. It has it's flaws, particularly Chase Cordell's wooden performance as the lead Paul, but Gregorio Sala as Professor Johnny Longbow more than handles himself well. Besides that, Leigh Drake as Kathy can't act at all but that doesn't matter when you dress like this:
Caught Paul fondling his "moon rocks".
Her slut outfits showing off her gorgeous gams just got shorter and shorter as the movie proceeded. Another interesting fact is the actual Moon Beast was one of legendary special effects master Rick Baker's first. Not bad work for 1972. Guess that wasn't good enough for these ignoramuses' because it scored a measly 1.8 out of ten. That's just fucking ridiculous.
There in lies the problem. What constitutes a one rating? There are idiots on IMDb that gave Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace a one rating for fucks sake and I hated the new films. There are quite a few factors that must be considered when judging it. Plot, acting, production, entertainment value, storyline and editing should always be taken into account. It saved ZaAt from the dreaded one vote in my eyes (yes, I saw the original film) because while everything sucked I thought the underwater shots were pretty clear and impressive for the time. That deserved a one point vote for that alone. With those factors in mind a vote of one would mean that the movie failed at EVERY considerable level. Not just because you or I hated it. As much as Who's Your Caddy? (#30) was as close to an updated minstrel act as allowable today, it is far from being considered one of the worst films of all time. Which brings me to my final gripe. Perspective.
I realize that I am definitely an extreme example of a fanatical bad movie enthusiast but that doesn't change the fact that a majority of voters don't realize what they're saying by calling any movie made after 1995 as "the worst". If that is your perspective then you simply haven't seen many films. MST3K deserves a hat tip for introducing an entire generation to these forgotten films but they are only the movies that they could get the copyrights to. There are far worse out there. I'm not saying that say, The Hottie & the Nottie (#35) will never be considered one of the worst movies ever. I'm just saying give it some time before you jump the gun. I'm not a snob that dismisses anything new, I just think it's too early to include many of the movies (43 out of the 100 have been filmed in the last ten years) on this list. There are exceptions. I have no doubt that Ben & Arthur (#7) will remain in the top ten for centuries to come. Not THAT is a one vote!
Production values alone should come into account for the second place movie, Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2. Don't get me wrong, it is a bad movie, but it was produced by Sony for chrissakes! Also it stared Jon Voight and Vanessa Angel who was at her hottest at the time. Her pert breasts alone are worth two votes apiece.
Rounding out the top 10 are five movies featured on MST3K with Manos: The Hands of Fate in the fourth spot. I loved watching Mystery Science Theater as much as anyone but I don't think that should be the only requirement to be included on the Bottom 100. Especially since about 99% of the people that voted for these movies never really seen them anyway. Joel or Mike and the 'bots try there damnedest to make each episode more entertaining by inserting humorous quips along with similar-themed sketches skewering the film. Do you think this is the same experience as watching the unedited film? It's not even close. Monster a-Go-Go is a prime example of this. It deserves to be number one on this list instead of fifth simply based on the film not the MST3K episode. It combines everything bad into one film. Unbelievably boring, incoherent plot, zero production (especially the "monster"), bad acting and probably the worst "ending" ever. It is the most difficult movie to try to sit through on it's own. Again, Manos, Night Train to Mundo Fine, The Skydivers and The Starfighters are all very bad movies. But how many people actually watch these movies on their own? Out of the bottom 100, 29 of these movies were previous episodes. The association with Mystery Science Theater taints each one of these films for viewers who are predisposed to vote it "the worst" simply because it was a featured episode. This is never more evident than the 28th lowest rated film: Track of the Moon Beast.
I actually enjoyed this movie. It has it's flaws, particularly Chase Cordell's wooden performance as the lead Paul, but Gregorio Sala as Professor Johnny Longbow more than handles himself well. Besides that, Leigh Drake as Kathy can't act at all but that doesn't matter when you dress like this:
Caught Paul fondling his "moon rocks".
There in lies the problem. What constitutes a one rating? There are idiots on IMDb that gave Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace a one rating for fucks sake and I hated the new films. There are quite a few factors that must be considered when judging it. Plot, acting, production, entertainment value, storyline and editing should always be taken into account. It saved ZaAt from the dreaded one vote in my eyes (yes, I saw the original film) because while everything sucked I thought the underwater shots were pretty clear and impressive for the time. That deserved a one point vote for that alone. With those factors in mind a vote of one would mean that the movie failed at EVERY considerable level. Not just because you or I hated it. As much as Who's Your Caddy? (#30) was as close to an updated minstrel act as allowable today, it is far from being considered one of the worst films of all time. Which brings me to my final gripe. Perspective.
I realize that I am definitely an extreme example of a fanatical bad movie enthusiast but that doesn't change the fact that a majority of voters don't realize what they're saying by calling any movie made after 1995 as "the worst". If that is your perspective then you simply haven't seen many films. MST3K deserves a hat tip for introducing an entire generation to these forgotten films but they are only the movies that they could get the copyrights to. There are far worse out there. I'm not saying that say, The Hottie & the Nottie (#35) will never be considered one of the worst movies ever. I'm just saying give it some time before you jump the gun. I'm not a snob that dismisses anything new, I just think it's too early to include many of the movies (43 out of the 100 have been filmed in the last ten years) on this list. There are exceptions. I have no doubt that Ben & Arthur (#7) will remain in the top ten for centuries to come. Not THAT is a one vote!
HAS THE IN-FEY-TUATION ENDED?
There is nobody who has been force fed down the throats of the general public more than the staggeringly unfunny Tina Fey. Hey, she mocked Palin! And, and, uhh, she, uhhhhhh, she was uhhhh, did I mention how funny that Palin impersonation was! This was a picture I took at a local Target. Decide for yourself what it means.
She's so brilliant that nobody cares.
She's so brilliant that nobody cares.
MEGAN FOX'S BODY...OF WORK SUCKS
It's free preview time again! This time instead of Shittime's selection of, well, shit, it's HBO and Cinemax's turn to show all of us heathens what we're missing by not forking over fifteen bucks a month to watch constant repeats of Real Time with
Now I remember why I bought a ticket to this horseshit movie!
Let's get this out of the way first. Megan Fox is one of the most gorgeous creatures I've ever laid eyes on. It's little wonder why she's popular with us cavemen. She personifies everything that you would ask for physically in a woman. Too bad she managed to hitch herself to the second most lamest 90210 actor for her boyfriend (Ian Ziering will ALWAYS be #1).
Now that that is squared away, on with the skewering! What sort of ego takes the success of the first two Transformers movies and credits it with pert breasts and a nice ass? They're nice to look at but have you ever heard of this thing called the internets? From the youngest of lads to the grayest of elders we can now in a few clicks summon up our saltiest of desires right in the comfort of our own homes. Who needs to be teased? Secondly, what part of giant fucking robots fighting on the big screen did you think might of factored into the box office of both films? It's clear that Megan believed that their was pure magic in her mammaries as she basically referred to Michael Bay as Hitler, feuded with the crew and called Megatron a better leader than Optimus Prime. She was promptly fired from the third film. Did she learn from this? Nope, she now blames her dad. Did daddy tell you to do Jennifer's Body and Jonah Hex? If he did, then I'm with ya 100% my dear.
A lesbian kiss? Is this Wild Things 6: Wild Harder?
Now that that is squared away, on with the skewering! What sort of ego takes the success of the first two Transformers movies and credits it with pert breasts and a nice ass? They're nice to look at but have you ever heard of this thing called the internets? From the youngest of lads to the grayest of elders we can now in a few clicks summon up our saltiest of desires right in the comfort of our own homes. Who needs to be teased? Secondly, what part of giant fucking robots fighting on the big screen did you think might of factored into the box office of both films? It's clear that Megan believed that their was pure magic in her mammaries as she basically referred to Michael Bay as Hitler, feuded with the crew and called Megatron a better leader than Optimus Prime. She was promptly fired from the third film. Did she learn from this? Nope, she now blames her dad. Did daddy tell you to do Jennifer's Body and Jonah Hex? If he did, then I'm with ya 100% my dear.
A lesbian kiss? Is this Wild Things 6: Wild Harder?
Combine the perplexing one hit wonder (I thought Juno was obnoxious) that is Diablo Cody with Ms. Supertits herself and you got the teenager hard-on cliche-a-palooza Jennifer's Body. A film centered completely around the fact that her T&A would generate money despite the fact that this movie is utter garbage. When a film is categorized as a "black comedy" it usually means it takes itself so seriously for a horror flick that you just have to laugh at it. A filthy mouth, teaching the boys a lesson or two all the while sharing a sensual moment with a young lass. How very Angelina Jolie-lite of you! Maybe if you did Amanda Seyfried with a strap-on Jennifer's Body would have cracked the $20 million mark domestically. In all fairness, it did go up against the Jennifer Aniston, $22 million juggernaut Love Actually. How can you do any worse? Unless there's some sort of hex on you.
Fox and Brolin portraying the audience of Jonah Hex
See what I did there? Hex, Jonah Hex. Fuck Cody. I should be screenwriting! How far down the comic book pit of obscurity does one have to descend before you come across Jonah Hex anyway? Who exactly was demanding a big screen version of this? What's next, Steelgrip Starkey? Granted, this wasn't only Fox's shit sandwich but Josh Brolin's as well. However, once again Fox plays the same tough talking seductress that will pull a random weapon from whatever bodily orifice suffices at the time. A gun between her cleavage? How clever! A rifle from her vagina? Masterful! Oh wait, that wasn't in the film? Sorry, I must of been napping. Judging by its barely $10 million gross here I must assume that eager fans of Hex must have fallen asleep on the way to the theater.
So what have we learned here? One: HBO and Cinemax suck. Two: Megan Fox has to drop her push-up bra like ego a few notches and be thankful she doesn't have to rely on Brian Austin Green for a paycheck. Otherwise she'll be seen on Cinemax. Only it will be from about midnight to three in the morning. Can you say Emmanuel in L.A.?
Fox and Brolin portraying the audience of Jonah Hex
So what have we learned here? One: HBO and Cinemax suck. Two: Megan Fox has to drop her push-up bra like ego a few notches and be thankful she doesn't have to rely on Brian Austin Green for a paycheck. Otherwise she'll be seen on Cinemax. Only it will be from about midnight to three in the morning. Can you say Emmanuel in L.A.?
FEBRUARY 15, 2011
What can brown shit on you?First came the UPS "whiteboard" guy with his goofy hair helmet and stupid drawings concerning the intricacies involved in putting a fucking package on a goddamn plane and arriving at it's destination in one piece before one of the many convicts that work in their shipping department steal it. Now comes the "logistics" campaign that incorporates a word only business insiders (i.e. jackoffs) would care about combined with the most annoying bastardization of That's Amore ever. First things first. The person responsible for this ear-raping rendition is Nadia Ackerman who was sent by the devil to punish us with her cutesy-wutesy, I'm so adorable with a big red fucking bow in my hair impersonation of a prepubescent girl. I literally get to the first syllable in the song before I turn the channel in utter disgust. It's uncanny how it seems this commercial is programmed to bring out the most intense hatred I can fathom whenever I see it. I know I'm already going to hell so I can with ever fiber of my being wish throat cancer on this harpy.
Unbelievably Perturbing Singer
And what the fuck is the all the talk about logistics anyway? Who the fuck cares! Do you honestly think that the average jagoff thinks to himself "Does this company have an extensive portfolio of solutions to answer the global market?" before he sends a package of weed to his friend in Oakland? Fuck no! For the unforgivable sin of pissing me off I ask anyone that reads this to send their next package via the post office. Yeah, nine times outta ten it isn't going to get there but at least you can take some money out of the brown beast that continues to shit all over us.